Zombie Fitness

CrossFit Chiltern
Zombie Fitness


Let me clarify, I hate high street big brand gyms. All that shiny equipment, wooden lockers, sauna, steam room, mirrors everywhere and egos galore.

Now I could go on for hours on what wrong with all of this. But what I want to talk about is the normal workout that occurs in one of these gyms.


·        First things first let’s put on our headphones, because there is no way in hell you are talking to any other human being whilst you’re there. Any attempt to communicate is met with a worried look like you’re some crazy person.

·        Next up get on a cardio machine and set it up. By set it up I mean choose what TV channel you are going to choose for your headphones. I mean it’s not like we get enough time in front of a screen, why not keep that going at the gym?!

·        Now we can start the workout. Let’s amble along on the cardio machine for 20 minutes, maybe we’ll even follow the fat burning programme on there? Effectiveness of this, minimal. I’ll say one thing, if you can train and watch TV, read or check your phone you are not training, you’re just wasting time. Go for a walk outside if you want to train at this intensity and you’ll get better work in.

·        Cardio done. Let’s get on a weight circuit. Ok, set 1 lets go sit on the leg extension machine and do some reps. Not too heavy though! Don’t want to actually build muscle do we?? F**k sake!!

·        We’ll keep doing all our weights on the nice shiny Technogym sit down machines. Oh yeah that technology is really help us do f**k all. Also if your job is sitting down all day, you commute in sitting down and you go to the gym and sit on a machine how good is that for your health? Answer that question yourself!

·        Finish up with some crunches and maybe even a plank. Well this is not too bad, especially as nothing else you’ve done so far has worked the core!

·        5 minutes stretching and we’re done. Might have a little sweat if you’re lucky. But don’t forget to #insta yourself in the gym.


This is so typical of people who have been given an induction for a ‘gym instructor’. Yes, this workout is 100% safe, it’s as safe as doing nothing because that’s how effective it is. Gyms just want you to join and impress you with the bullshit equipment. They don’t care about giving you effective coaching. So yes gyms are cheap, but they are a waste of time without proper coaching. Get yourself some good coaching and you’ll finally see some results. Don’t be a gym zombie!


Also, talk to people! Use the gym as a social environment and you might start enjoying going rather than being a hamster on his wheel. Change it up, push yourself, find your limits and smash through them. While your there smash your scales, I don’t want this to be your motivation. Work is the motivation, growth is the motivation, accomplishing something your never thought you could do, that’s what should be motivating you! See you next time.

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